My Step 3 Story

Step 3 says that I made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This was probably one of the most important decisions in my recovery. In retrospect, I probably started surrendering the moment that I went to a 12 Step Meeting. I knew that something was desperately wrong and I needed help. But it wasn’t until Easter Sunday that I consciously decided to surrender to God.

I found myself alone on Easter for the first time in my memory. This was my new reality and I was devastated. A couple of months earlier, I had been discovered and I had come clean. The decision was to separate. So it made sense that my family went up to my in-laws for Easter. I stayed back and went to church for Easter. When I walked in, I felt extremely uncomfortable and sat in the back row, avoiding eye contact. Trying to understand my extreme discomfort, I quickly realized that in the past, I had gone to church as a “good” Christian, someone who had his act together and could speak the religious language fluently. But on this particular Sunday, I was the broken one with issues. I went on Easter as a “sinner”. That’s when it hit me, I belonged in church because I was a sinner.

Later that day, the pastor invited me over to talk. During that conversation, I told him that I didn’t think that God truly loved me. My understanding of God was that He was an impersonal judge, ruling on my actions. If I did well, nothing would happen but if I did wrong, He would pass down the consequences. The pastor reminded me that God wants to give me good things (Matthew 7:9-11). I had to trust (surrender) and believe that God would restore me to sanity (Step 2).

In the step of surrender, of faith, things began to change (changes covered in other posts). But now I see that God wanted my heart and mind rather than to change my circumstances. I now understand him to be a good God, one who thinks I am worthwhile, who loves, and will restore me to sanity.

Surrender is key.